So, I know its been a while since I posted anything. But I ran into a good friend and former client yesterday at the grocery store, or as I call it, “the land of irrational behavior and limitless paranoia.” She mentioned she missed my snarky posts–and I feel like in an era of fear, maybe a dose of unfounded sarcasm could help everyone devolve further into some version of a manufactured Mad Max society, which I would love to be a part of.
Its not that I haven’t had any snarky thoughts. Oh no, those have been if nothing else increased by propaganda (lightly sprinkled with truth) media blitzes, as well as the constant barrage of posts on social media shaming people on both sides of the COVID terror scale. The upcoming re-opening of society has taken on a different meaning for me, because coinciding with that opening will be approximately the time Facebook starts showing me the posts of all the people I’ve snoozed during the stay-at-home order.
Before you get your panties in a twist, yes, I understand the financial toll this has taken on many, and I have taken the virus as seriously as a rational, non-hoarding American citizen should. I have a close friend that works as a nurse in the ICU at OSU. He asked me a couple of days ago if I thought I could do his job. The answer was an immediate no. I have a lot of respect for our first responders and medical community folks. But I would fail at that job, mostly because I think the medical community would frown on a nurse humanely smothering patients with a pillow based on my personal assessment of their quality of life.
This patient can’t ever drink again. *Smother*
This patient needs to cut red meat out of his diet. *Smother*
This disclaimer is basically in here to tell you that I don’t need you to send me messages telling me how serious this crisis is and how I need to wear a mask in the shower or watch a ping pong ball and mousetrap video because I’m too stupid to understand the laws of virus transmission and compounding. If you feel the need to do that, chances are you have already been snoozed because of your daily FB posts.
The takeaway from this pandemic, from my perspective, says more about human behavior and mob mentality than it does about a simple scientific spread of a virus.
The following are items from the grocery or wholesale stores I personally watched become scarce, even temporarily. For some items, I can sort of understand the reasons behind the frenzy, and for others… I think people are just nuts.
- Toilet paper: I get it. Toilet paper is one of those household items that never seems important until you’re out of it. I’m reasonably sure everyone has had that moment where you have an “immediate” need to use the facilities, and then realize only too late that the TP roll is out. I don’t dispute this one. However, my observation of this one ventured more in line with one of my favorite “can’t look away” shows, Hoarding: Buried Alive. Now, I love this show–but mostly because I tend to find a room in the house to clean out after watching every episode. I watch it, and I have this condescending attitude toward people that struggle with compulsive hoarding, as if I don’t have my own childhood comic books and baseball cards stored away in boxes cluttering up our guest room closet because “they’ll be worth something someday”. No, they won’t. My dad has a touch of compulsive hoarding, and I always gave him grief about it until one of my friends came over to help me cut down a tree for my folks with his chainsaw. My dad asked him if he had a case for his chainsaw, to which my friend replied “no.” Dad went out to the shed, cluttered through the junk, and came out with an empty chainsaw case that fit the chainsaw perfectly. That’s vindication for an oppressed hoarder. All that said, the hoarding of toilet paper has been downright impressive. More impressive though, have been the videos from Costco or Sam’s Club, when they get a new skid of TP in, and the people swarm it in a frenzy, like those catfish at the state fair when the DNR guy throws a handful of those rabbit food pellets into the water. When this thing is all over, I hope folks that hoarded toilet paper are also able to eat that toilet paper like that Strange Addictions show, because I just don’t think the black market value will hold true.
- Chicken and onions: These were was a little weird. I make a curry chicken dinner (and make pretty much all the dinners) at our house once every couple of weeks, mostly because my amazing wife is domestically challenged, and because if I didn’t we would die. Well, we wouldn’t die. We would just have salads for every meal, and that in and of itself would make me WANT to die. I went to the grocery store around week two of stay-at-home-mageddon, and there were two things that were completely out: 1. Chicken, and 2. onions. Chicken was out everywhere, and there was only one badly damaged onion still on the shelf. At what point did some guy sitting at home suddenly jump up and say, “Holy hell–our chicken supply is waning! Where did all of our onions go?? Margaret, get your hazmat suit, we’re making a chicken and onion run!” Now, if you are as passionate about Indian food as I am, which likely not many of you are, setting your mind on curry chicken and having your dreams squashed can lead to violence. I’m pretty sure Mahatma Ghandi himself would’ve beat his grocer to death if he couldn’t make his favorite korma on chicken korma Wednesday. That was a sad day in the land of first world problems.
- Popcorn: The only thing I can logically attribute this one to is the hours of Netflix bingeing happening for so many. I walked through two different grocery stores in the same day, and both had completely bare popcorn shelves. So, this, along with other short supply items, seems like it has two possibilities for the shortage. First, mob mentality could be driving it. If you walk in a store during a time period where widespread panic rules the day and you see someone with a cart filled with nothing but popcorn, you can interpret that two ways:
1: Lunatic behavior. (But others might see that as someone who has insider information into “Big Popcorn” supply chains. I put a couple cases of Corona in my cart, but folks didn’t see me as having the scoop on the Mexican beer market, and didn’t follow suit.)
2. A brilliant marketing ploy by Orville’s grandson Wilbur Redenbacher to cut shipping quantity and create scarcity. I’m not saying this is what happened, but Wilbur is a sneaky bastard. - Butter: The butter fiasco was just last week. I have been out grocery shopping weekly for my folks because they are both high risk. Well, that’s what I tell everyone, but secretly I do it because the tables have turned and now I get to tell THEM where they can and can’t go. It’s a really small amount of power, but I am letting it go completely to my head. Mom needed two blocks of butter. Blocks… I think that’s the term for the container 4 sticks come in. I feel like they should be called “Units of Deliciousness” instead. Anyway, when I got to the store, everything in the dairy aisle was completely full… except the butter. There was one block of unsalted butter left, but come on, unsalted butter is like non-alcoholic beer. What’s the point? I went to another grocery store, because the possibility of mom being able to make cookies was worth the Coronavirus risk of another shopping trip. All the cold cases were full… except the butter. Maybe all of those folks that bought out all the popcorn had an epiphany.
To wrap up this pointless observational time killer, I have made a list of my own personal Nonessential-Essential COVID supplies. Over the years, I’ve stocked up on a few things in case this day would ever come. I have a pact with some of my friends that if the zombie apocalypse comes, they can come live in my commune, with the understanding that they have a skill that is useful. There are a lot of folks I know that will be in for a rude awakening when I can’t use their Doctorate in Early Mesopotamian Pottery skill set in my commune to shoot intruders, plant gardens, or build pens for the livestock.
- Guns and ammo: These can be used to hunt with, defend my property with, and more importantly, to threaten toilet paper hoarders and take their toilet paper from them. See, that’s why I didn’t join the mobs at Costco. I’m glad you fought for that 68 pack of Charmin and brought it home so I can take it from you at gunpoint.
- Army MREs: For you civilians, this stands for “Meals Ready to Eat.” That is a loose interpretation, because what they really mean is, “Meals that are ready to eat, but will make you want to learn how to forage for food instead.” It’s not that they are completely lacking charm, it’s more about the intestinal and gastric distress that you will likely experience within 24 hours from consuming them. Good thing I have those guns. We will need the toilet paper.
- Whiskey: So if there was any real point to be taken away from this pandemic, it’s about the importance of good whiskey. Thats all I’m really trying to say. Whiskey is great. While everyone was out fighting strangers for popcorn, I was silently buying bottles of whiskey. I wasn’t really worried about the supply chain, so why was I buying it? Fourth grade math. My new COVID part-time job has been as math tutor to a 4th grader. And for the life of me, I don’t understand how her teachers can get through a school day without bourbon.
Happy Hoarding, Weirdos.
SnarkyThoughts 